Solitude
by Shiroi Yoru
Summary: Ten or so years after Inuyasha ends... Sesshoumaru has left Rin in her village after an incident that happened. What has become of them? What will they do now? Will they ever meet again...? Read and find out. Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
1. Where He Left Me

**Solitude**

Well... this is my first fanfiction. sweatdrop Obviously, it's about Sesshoumaru and Rin. But is it a pairing...? You'll just have to find out. Nyuk nyuk nyuk. Mihako is (obviously) an OC, but she's not really that important. Unless I decide to make her important. I'm sorry the chapters are so short... Anyway, please review!

**Chapter 1**

"Rin." There was no response from the girl in the corner. "Rin, are you all right?" Mihako paused for a moment,  
but all she heard was the gentle roar of the rainstorm. "Rin… Rin, can you hear me? Rin?" Mihako shook her head. She had never understood the girl, and doubted she ever would.

She crept gingerly towards Rin, and gently laid her hand on Rin's shoulder. Rin flinched, but relaxed when she saw Mihako's face. "Are you all right, Rin?" Mihako asked worriedly. "I'm fine…" said Rin softly. "I was just thinking about… how it was raining… the day before I found… him." Mihako blinked. "Who is… "him"?" she asked. "Never mind," said Rin. "Nothing important. I was just thinking, is all…"

Shaking her head again, Mihako retreated back into her corner of the room. For five years she had lived with Rin,  
and she had spent five years trying to figure her out, and so far had not succeeded. Every once in a while, the girl would mention "him", but nothing more than that. A few times in her sleep, though, Rin had cried out "Sesshoumaru-sama"  
and woke up in the morning with tears in her eyes. These, too, she had assured Mihako, were nothing—just a dream.

Mihako turned her head at the sound of footsteps. "Where are you going, Rin?" she inquired. Rin said nothing, only headed for the door. Alarmed, Mihako stood up. "Rin! What are you doing?" Rin continued to ignore her, but stepped outside and tilted her face to the sky.

"Rin…" the girl ignored her guardian, simply proceeding to walk farther from the house, ignoring the pouring rain. Mihako stepped outside, flinching as each heavy raindrop stung her face. "Rin, please come back. You can't go outside in this weather. Rin… Rin, please. Rin… you can go on a walk when the sun comes back, please, Rin…" Mihako quickened her step, then cursed under her breath as she stepped in a puddle, drenching the hem of her kimono.

Mihako followed Rin to the edge of the village, but when she headed for the forest, she lifted up her skirts and ran to the girl. "Rin, where are you going? We should be inside! Please, Rin, tell me what you're doing… please?" Mihako's voice trailed off into a pathetic whimper.

Rin kept walking, but Mihako finally caught up to her and grabbed her sleeve. "Please tell me what you're doing,  
Rin." Mihako saw her eyes reflected in Rin's, hers a mixture of anger and confusion, but Rin's a dark void, yet with a fire burning behind them. It unnerved Mihako somehow and she looked down. "Rin…" she mumbled, at a loss for words.  
Rin began slowly, as if it pained her to speak. "You… didn't have to follow me… you know." Mihako looked up again, but Rin was now facing the other way, towards the forest. "I don't see why I have to tell you where I'm going… I've gone here every year on this day for five years…" She paused for a moment, gazing into the sky as rain fell on her face and slid down her long black hair. "…I first met him here, you know."

Mihako stared at Rin, uncomprehending. "Who? Rin, who did you meet here… five years ago?" Rin shook her head, a faint, bitter smile creeping up on the edges of her lips. "No, more than that. Almost ten years ago… about… I haven't kept track… until I was left here, in the very place we met the first time…"

"Rin, what are you talking about? Who? Please tell me! Rin…" For five years, Rin had rarely spoken, mostly keeping to herself and often disappearing. Not once had she mentioned a single word of her past, leaving Mihako dying of curiosity in silence.

"Please tell me? Rin?"

Rin paused for a moment, and then stared Mihako straight in the eye, sending a chill down the woman's spine.

"No"  
And with that, Rin wordlessly headed into the forest, leaving Mihako standing there, alone.


	2. Empty Eyes

**Solitude**

Yay! Thanks so much for reviewing! Anyway, here's Chapter 2! I have chapters 1-5 written right now, so I'll get the other three up as soon as I can. Again, I'm sorry the chapters are short. They're all like this... so far, anyway. Maybe I'll get better at this. sweatdrop

**Chapter 2**

"Sesshoumaru-sama?"

The youkai lord ignored his retainer and continued walking.

"Sesshoumaru-sama?" Jaken paused, annoyed. His lord seemed to be in a bad mood lately, but he had no idea why. "Sesshoumaru-sama? Where are we going?" He paused again, waiting to be reprimanded, but there was no reply. Encouraged, the small toad-like youkai continued. "Sesshoumaru-sama, you said we were going to that village to discuss the issue of rampaging youkai… but… it's that way, my lord, we're going the wrong way… I mean… I…" Jaken trailed off, knowing that he had gone too far almost before the last words slipped out of his mouth. He mentally slapped himself for being so utterly stupid.

Sesshoumaru turned to his small servant, his golden eyes strangely empty, as opposed to the blaze that Jaken had expected. "We're not going to that village," he said, somewhat hoarsely. "I've changed my mind. We're taking a trip to Edo instead." The two youkai walked in silence for a little while longer, Jaken's mind in a jumble. Edo? Sesshoumaru-sama hated cities. He wondered what the occasion was, and why his lord hand changed his mind so suddenly. This was very unlike him. And those strange, empty eyes… Jaken tangibly shivered, but Sesshoumaru didn't even blink at him. Strange, very strange…

The two walked in silence for a while, but when they reached a clearing, Sesshoumaru promptly stopped and his eyes flared. "What… what is it… Sesshoumaru-sama?" Jaken asked timidly. Sesshoumaru ignored him. A small, lizardlike youkai crept out from behind a rock, its slitted yellow eyes ablaze with menacing fire. Claws extended, it lunged at Sesshoumaru, its talons itching to rake his face.

In a movement too fast for Jaken to see, the youkai lord grabbed Toukijin and slashed at the creature. "Fool," he said coldly as it fell. Without hesitating a single moment more, he snapped, "Come, Jaken. There is no business for us here"  
and he continued on without so much as a glance back.

Jaken paused for a few seconds, staring uneasily at the lifeless corpse. Of course, that demon would have met its death at his lord's hands anyway, but there was a certain air about its killing that sent a chill up the old youkai's spine.  
He shook his head slightly, and with a final glance behind him, followed his lord on the way to Edo.

o-o-o-o

It was a bustling city in a time of war and strife, but the hard times had left its mark on Edo. There was a gaunt look about the people, a fear that haunted the backs of their eyes, a furtiveness with which they took their steps. Buildings were scarred both from battles of long ago and battles of the present. There were children and dogs that roamed the streets with no parents or masters to answer to. People sat on the sides of the city roads, holding out cups for change and getting none.

But despite all this, people smiled, talked, and bought things at markets, stowing away, at least for now, the underlying fear that their children would be the next to die, that their own lives would be taken and so their children would join the ragged street urchins, that they would wake up the next morning to find their life laid to ashes, either by demons or armies, not that it mattered which brought their demise.

At first, the people stopped and stared at Sesshoumaru and Jaken as they walked by, but a short glare from Sesshoumaru's amber eyes quickly sent them back to what they were doing. But even long after they had passed by that road, the ragged people huddled in the shadows of houses, their wide eyes staring at the way the demons had gone.

o-o-o-o

By midafternoon, Sesshoumaru was feeling more than a little irritated at all the stares he was getting from these poor, stupid mortals. He wasn't low enough to kill them now, and they should know that, the idiots. Besides, they had done a good enough job killing themselves without his help.

"Jaken…" he began, wanting to get away from his retainer for a while. "Wait here. I need to…" his voice trailed off.  
He was tired and angry, nothing reasonable would come. "Stay here. I'll be back." he said angrily, and walked off, leaving Jaken to stare, open-mouthed, at his departing master. "Sesshoumaru-sama—!" he began, but Sesshoumaru ignored him and simply walked away.

Confused and annoyed, Jaken turned and walked the other way, shaking his head. The people looked at him curiously, wondering what had caused him and his more imposing lord to part. Jaken glared at them, but his attempt to be threatening wasn't successful. It was simply their own weariness which kept them in the shadows.The small youkai turned down a small, dusty street. No people that he could see cowered here, which was to his liking. Jaken sighed and laid the Staff of Heads against the wall of a building.

What is he up to? Jaken thought to himself, and shook his head. It didn't really matter, after all. It definitely wasn't the first time that Sesshoumaru hand gone off like this without a reason. It wasn't that that worried him, it was the way that his lord had been acting for a while. Two weeks ago, Sesshoumaru had told him that he would travel to the village of Takayama because of the demons that had been consistently attacking it. But now… Jaken shook his head again. The last time that they had been to Edo… how long had it been? Thirty years, perhaps?—Sesshoumaru's temper had almost gotten the better of them, and the issue that they had been there to solve had almost gotten far worse. Jaken smiled ruefully at the memory. Sesshoumaru had seemed so… depressed lately. He'd been like that, it seemed, for the last five years… since the departure of the little human girl.

"Good riddance," he began to mutter, but he choked on the words before they could come out. The small youkai squeezed his eyes shut. For some reason, he felt like crying, but the tears wouldn't come. He missed her, too. As much as he had hated her, he had loved her just as much, all the time that Sesshoumaru had dubbed him the girls "babysitter" had softened his ancient heart in a way that it hadn't for centuries. He didn't know why, or how, but somehow the lack of her presence felt like an empty, gaping hole in his heart, and for the first time he realized just how lonely Sesshoumaru really was.

o-o-o-o

Sesshoumaru walked alone into a small grove on the outskirts of the city. He was tired of seeing all those worn, ragged people, tired of having them stare at him like he was some sort of freak, tired of simply being here. He leaned against a tree and ran his hand through his long, silver hair. He had remembered only yesterday about that village… he couldn't comprehend how he had forgotten about it for even an instant.

A knot had formed in his stomach earlier that morning, a knot that he couldn't ignore. As if it had been yesterday instead of five years ago, he saw clearly her ragged body, felt clearly the searing pain that had gone through him when he left her there. Even now, he still expected to see her come up from behind him, smiling. He missed her. He had tried so hard to suppress it, but now it came rolling back in a wave of nausea. Coming to Edo hadn't helped at all; it had possibly even worsened the situation.

Sesshoumaru gazed up at the branches of the tree, and for the first time in five years, all the memories come back.


	3. Painful Memories

**Solitude**

Chapter 3! Thanks for all the reviews! I'm putting up Chapter 4 & 5 right now too. After that, you'll just have to wait until I write them. Bwahaha.

**Chapter 3**

"Rin! Rin, what are you doing here! I told you to stay behind with Jaken!" Sesshoumaru looked around, trying to remain calm. He cursed under his breath as the dragon youkai took another blow at him. It was all he could do to keep standing, and he didn't need Rin here to protect as well.

"Sesshoumaru-sama!" she screamed. Sesshoumaru tried to ignore her, but a sharp pang went through his heart. He turned his attention back to the youkai, but he was a second too late. "Where is he?" Sesshoumaru hissed under his breath. He heard a scream from behind him, and he whirled around, his heart racing. A corner of him, somehow calm despite all his panic, laughed coldly inside him. Imagine, he, the great Sesshoumaru, getting so worked up over a pitiful human girl. She had been with him so long now, though, he didn't know what he would do if anything were to happen to her.

As he turned, he saw the youkai, blood dripping from his lips. His stomach suddenly dropped to his feet. The scent of the blood was far too familiar to his nose. And below the demon's curved, serpentine figure…

"No," he whispered hoarsely. Instinctively he reached for his swords, but he remembered too late that Tenseiga wasn't there…

o-o-o-o

"What is it?" a small voice whispered. Jaken reached for the Staff of Heads and glanced around furtively. "I… I don't know…" another voice replied. There was a rustling sound, and something giggled behind him. Angry, Jaken whirled around , but there was nothing there. He felt something at his back, a brush of cloth and a pattering sound, and more giggling. But once again, there was nothing there. After glaring heatedly at the alley shadows for a while, which, to his irritation, brought nothing but more giggling and rustling. He turned away in disgust, only to discover small hands pulling at his hakama.

Jaken struck out with the staff, but the hands had gone by then. Exasperated, he walked away, attempting to ignore the giggling and rustling that followed him out of the alley. Once in the well-lit main road of Edo, the toad-like youkai whirled around and grabbed the dirty kimono of a little girl. Another child, a boy, cowered in a corner, his hand over his mouth to hide his laughter.

"Ha!" he cried, as the girl stared at him with wide brown eyes. Her blue-and-red flowered kimono was covered in dirt and dust so that the pattern was barely visible, and her long black hair hung loose and tangled around her face. Jaken almost laughed himself, she just looked so ridiculous standing there, and he surmised that he must, too. "What's your name"  
he asked her in an accusing tone. "You too." He gestured to the boy by the wall.

"I'm Sachiko!" the girl exclaimed happily. "Like this…" she wrote it in the dirt. Jaken looked at the kanji. "Child of happiness," he murmured, and shook his head. It was sad, in a way. How could she have been happy like that, running around without food or security or a decent home, dirty and ragged, yet she smiled so much. Maybe she was happier than he was, for all that he knew what it felt like to be a ruler… he had always felt empty, no matter where he was. Rin had had that quality too, the ability to look past bad circumstances and be happy, just as long as there was someone to smile at.

The boy shyly detached himself from the building and walked up to Jaken. "My name is Hiroki," he said. His eyes were different from the little girl's. His stared at him defiantly, with a look that said clearly, "I'm not afraid of you, so don't even try it." Hiroki looked to be about two or so years older than Sachiko, who was probably about four or five. He was old enough, Jaken could tell, to realize what was going on.

After a moment, he realized that both children were staring at him, and he turned to leave. "Wait"  
Something tugged at his hakama again, and Jaken turned his head, finding himself staring into Sachiko's huge eyes again. She grinned at him, and then giggled and let go. Hiroki stared at Jaken for a while, then turned, gripped Sachiko's arm, and left without a word. Jaken stared at them for a while, and wondered why he suddenly felt so… alone.

o-o-o-o

Without thinking, without even looking, Sesshoumaru felt anger grow like wildfire inside of him. All his cold indifference went up in flames, and eyes burning, he slashed wildly at the demon. His throat burned from yelling. He wasn't sure of what was going on around him. There was only thing in is red-tinted vision—the dragon youkai, poised above him. The youkai screamed as it fell, and then fell sharply silent, but Sesshoumaru slashed violently at it, the body erupting into a thousand bloody pieces. He thrust Toukijin wildly into the heart of them, and stood there panting as the sea of blood around him caught flame.

As he stared into the fiery void, the rage that had possessed him dissipated just as quickly as it had come. He stood there, the only sound the crackling of fire and his own hard breathing. He wiped blood from his mouth and simply stared at his hand for a moment. In his insanity, it hadn't occurred to him what he was going to do. Some part of him tried to say that the world would still go on, it didn't matter, it was the same as before, it didn't matter who he cared about… they always died, and he still got over it and lived… that was how he was so strong. He hated humans, he hated the girl for opening up that wound had long ago scarred over.

He felt strangely like he should be crying… but he couldn't. His fierce amber eyes were dry, and no tears would come,  
so all the great youkai lord could do was stand and stare into the flames.


	4. Nothings

**Solitude**

And here's Chapter 4. Yum, angst. Not much more to say. XD

**Chapter 4**

It was still raining, although the storm had let up a bit. Rin leaned against the wall, listening to the water pattering outside. There was nothing she could do, nothing she wanted to do. She traced patterns in the dust on the floor while she thought. She remembered what her life had been like before. It had been so long ago, and much of it had faded from memory, but some of the images stayed clearly in her mind, and probably would until the day she died.

o-o-o-o

"Rin!" she screamed, twisting her head frantically to look for the girl. She stood cowering in a corner, her eyes huge with shock. "Rin! Rin… don't… look…" she gasped, clutching her arm. She squeezed her eyes shut, praying to any god she could think of that her daughter would be safe. "It's going to be all right, Rin…" she whispered, so only Rin could hear her.  
"Don't worry… you'll be o—okay—"

Blood poured from her mouth, and the tears that ran down her face mixed with it and dripped onto her ragged kimono. The bandit that had just stabbed her laughed cruelly, and advanced toward Rin. Without thinking, the girl ran, just ran and ran and ran, screaming, until she finally collapsed onto the riverbank…

o-o-o-o

Rin squeezed her eyes shut for a moment. It didn't matter, anyway… it was all over… and nothing would ever bring her mother back. She scuffed her bare foot in the dust, destroying all the lines she had drawn in it. What a mess her life was, what a vicious, endless cycle. Who would have thought that she would be back here, in the very village where everything had begun…? Who would have thought that the happy girl could have turned out this way, alone and crying in the corner of a house of one of the very villagers who had tormented her…?

No, that wasn't true, Rin scolded herself for the thought. Mihako had arrived at the village after Rin had left it. Rin had asked her once, how long she'd lived there. It wouldn't have mattered, though, no one remembered her anyway. She looked so different now, and everything felt different, too. Often she stopped to wonder what would have happened had bandits not raided the village that fateful day, if she had grown up a normal girl with loving parents to watch over her. If she had never met him, had never gone with him, never seen the world, never felt any of it… it wasn't all bad, she knew, and she was n't sorry for any of it. Even her parents' death barely mattered to her anymore, she hardly remembered them at all, not enough to make her cry over it, not enough to make her dream about it anymore.

In the end, she wasn't even sorry that he had left her here, to live the life that she would have lived had fate not had other plans for her. She was only sorry that she had hurt him that much, enough that he had to leave her. She wondered what she could have done differently, so she could still be with him now, and they couldn't be alone. She knew she had loved him that much.

Ever since Rin had met Sesshoumaru, she had always loved him and looked up to him, like the father that had disappeared so early from her life. She had just wanted to make him happy, to make him smile. She loved it when he smiled… she had only seen him smile a few times, but each time had made her feel warm. "Is that so stupid?" she murmured to herself.  
"Is it so stupid, that I just wanted to see him smile? That's all I wanted." She paused for a moment. "Yes, it was stupid. I'm stupid. I'm a fool… I can't fix what already happened, so there's no use fantasizing about what I could have done better.  
I'll never see him again, so it doesn't matter. I should grow up… life is going on around me while I'm in here moping about things I can't change."

But she couldn't help it, she just missed him so much. Before she knew it, she was sobbing into her arms, tears running like rivers from her eyes. She rocked back and forth, crying and crying, clutching her legs like there was nothing she had left, nothing beside memories. And it was true. She didn't have anything anymore, and it was true.

o-o-o-o

Sesshoumaru had never felt so alone as he did in that one moment, staring at the youkai's flaming body. He stood silently, unable to cry or speak, only able to stand and gaze blankly. He felt like he had nothing left now, that he had failed, somehow. The worst of all was the gaping hole in his heart.

A rustling from behind him startled Sesshoumaru out of his trance. He caught his breath for a moment, hardly daring to believe it, but in his broken state of mind, he wholeheartedly did. Rin stirred and moaned for a moment, and then fell silent again. Without a word, he walked over to her bloody, battered body, and picked her up and held her silently. He put her body down, then turned and looked around the clearing. "Jaken." he said hoarsely. "Jaken, come here." There was no response, and Sesshoumaru shook his head. He carefully lifted her up again and walked away, with one last glance back at the fire. The flames were dying now, having destroyed all traces of the battle that had occurred there, leaving not even the youkai's charred bones.

Sesshoumaru shook his head and left the clearing with Rin cradled carefully in his arm. As he walked solemnly through the forest, it began to occur to him that this could not go on. He couldn't put her life in jeopardy anymore, couldn't let anything like this happen again. He wanted to let her live, he wanted it so desperately and hadn't realized it until now. He couldn't have, being to preoccupied with his cold selfishness. It took a great amount of pain to open his eyes.

He stopped after a while, feeling strangely dead and empty inside. Yes, she was alive, but this was the end. He wanted the best for Rin. He had always felt like a father to her, a strange emotion that he didn't know how to cope with. It had been many years since he had felt any sort of feelings of love and affection, and they felt strange to him now. It was so strange, he mused, for someone like him, usually devoid of emotion, to be ruled by it now.

The world worked in strange ways.


	5. Darkness and Separation

**Solitude**

Yay! Chapter 5! I don't know how many more chapters there will be after this... not too many, probably. It never was going to be a very long fic. Anyway, thanks again to everyone who's reviewed so far and please keep reviewing! TT

**Chapter 5**

Sesshoumaru's eyes snapped open. His gaze flickered furtively back and forth, looking for anyone... anyone at all.  
He let out a small sigh when he realized that he was alone. Gazing up through the branches of the tree, he realized it was nearly dusk. "How long have I been here?" he breathed. "Why am I so..." He narrowed his eyes angrily and raked his claws along the bark of the tree. He sighed when he looked at the mark, and shook his head. "I really need to get my priorities sorted out..." he murmured.

He stood there for another moment, absentmindedly fingering the gashes in the trunk. "Why am I thinking of Rin all of a sudden?" he mused. He paused for a moment, then let out a derisive laugh. "I guess I'm just lonely..."

o-o-o-o

Exhausted and somewhat irritated, Jaken made his way to the outskirts of the city. He was thoroughly tired of humans, and wondered again exactly why Sesshoumaru had wanted to come here. Hadn't he always hated cities? Too many humans swarming around like maggots in their own filth.

A small ways away, Jaken spotted his master standing by a gnarled tree, looking, as usual, lonely and angry.  
Tentatively, Jaken made his way towards where Sesshoumaru was standing. Unable to think of something to say, the small youkai coughed quietly. Sesshoumaru whirled around, a frightening rage burning in his eyes. Startled, Jaken nearly tripped over in his haste to back away. When he realized who it was, Sesshoumaru's eyes softened and he sighed. Jaken swallowed nervously.

Turning to look at the tree again, Sesshoumaru murmured, "Let's go, Jaken." Jaken, still speechless, nodded, even though Sesshoumaru's back was to him.

Without a word, the two youkai walked past the tree and left Edo.

o-o-o-o

Sesshoumaru wasn't exactly sure where he wanted to go, but almost anywhere was better than here. He wondered again what he had been thinking. "It was to avoid going there..." he thought to himself. Suppressing the thought, he narrowed his eyes and kept going, angry with himself and the world.

Night fell quickly and without warning, and soon the two youkai found themselves in complete darkness. Sesshoumaru sighed and ran his hand through his long silver hair. He hated night. It was so difficult to see. He leaned against a tree and glared into the darkness. The animals in the area fled, terrified of his glowing, steely gaze.

o-o-o-o

Jaken found himself suddenly immersed in total darkness. "Shall we stop here, Sesshoumaru-sama?" he asked his master, and was greeted with silence and the eerie call of an owl. "Se... Sesshoumaru-sama...?" Jaken squeaked hoarsely,  
suddenly afraid. "Sesshoumaru-sama, are you there? Sesshoumaru-sama? Sesshoumaru-sama? Sesshoumaru-sama? Where are you"  
Jaken babbled. "Sesshoumaru-sama..." His voice seemed to echo off the infinite forest. He heard a rustling sound in the bushes and another owl cry, but no sign of Sesshoumaru.

"It's all right," he muttered nervously. "Sesshoumaru-sama is in this forest somewhere... you can find him when morning comes. Yes. Morning..." he shivered. "There is no reason to be afraid."

Shaking, he sat down slowly at the base at one of the trees that surrounded him, and closed his eyes, haunted by visions of everything he feared. But despite his trauma, after trying for hours, the small youkai finally managed to nod off to sleep.


End file.
